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Twistedmindz Guide to World History
PARTS 1, 2 and 3
Part 1 - The World was made (70 BC)
After years and years of empty space, which everyone found very dull and tedius, the world was finally invented, along with other stuff like trees and mice and shadows in 70 BC by Caesar Augustus. This was just 7 years before he was born. However, BC years were a lot longer than normal years due to people not really understanding the concept of time. Anyway, the world was made and everyone agreed that it was good, if a little empty, or at least, they would have agreed, had there been anyone around at the time. The unborn Augustus felt a little lonely, and so tried his hand at creating life. At first he wasn't very good at it, and just made a slimey thing that lived in the sea, but after a bit of practice, he invented fish. However, fish were rubbish, because they lived in water and didn't have any feelings. Augustus decided to leave the sea well alone and moved on to creating land living creatures, and so he invented the lung, which meant things could breath without the 2 atoms of hydrogen otherwise needed.
Part 2 - Dinosaurs (69.5 BC)
The first type of life on land was the dinosaurs. Augustus couldn't decide what was the best design so he made lots. Some of the dinosaurs didn't like the world and so tried to escape by growing wings and flying away. Caesar didn't like this, and invented the ozone layer as a way of keeping the flying creatures trapped on the earth. A major problem with there being so many different types of dinosaur was that they ate each other, and the concept of evolution was born. Dinosaurs were a little bit shit, though and carried on eating until they were all gone. Out of kindness, they left their bones lying around as a reminder of just how rubbish they were. Nowadays, you can only see dinosaurs by extracting their DNA and creating a theme park, but that's just a silly idea.
Part 3 - The First Humans (65 BC)
The first Human was Adam, who along with his ants, did lots of stuff. They invented caves, the wheel, the name Dave, and snowboarding. Snowboarding was useless to them though, because they lived in Egypt. Other humans were soon born and someone called "Pharrah" took over Egypt, with his army of cats (or Jazz singers as they are known nowadays). At that time, Egypt was a lot larger and spread as far as East Hampstead.
Adam and his ants, were taken prisoner by Pharrah, who made them build huge triangles, for some reason. Adam didn't like this and complained to Caesar Augustus, who at that point had changed his name to "Jahova", or "God". Augustus said unto him, "Well, if you don't like it, why don't you leave, you silly sod?". And so that's what Adam did. He gathered up all his Ants and decided to leave. Of course, Pharrah didn't like that and tried to follow the escapees, but Adam outsmarted him by building the Eurotunnel underneath the Red Sea, and then immediately flooded the chunnel upon reaching the other side.
Being a Goody Two Shoes (sorry!), Adam then decided to tell his ants how to live their life and invented the law. He came up with 10 laws, which he called "commendments", because you were commended if you lived by them. The laws were:
1) Don't kill
2) Don't steal
3) Don't set fire to bushes
4) Don't buy Citroens
5) Don't be jealous of stuff
6) Chill out man
7) Don't badmouth God, or he'll whoop yo ass
8) Don't sleep around
9) Don't lie
10) Don't take drugs
Immediately after coming up with these, Adam died in 67 BC.
Here endeth the first lesson. Next time...parts 4 and 5.
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