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Noel Edmonds

Once famous for being born on Christmas day, and also for being on television. The christmas prankster's last attempt to ruin christmas for everyone involved a big pink and yellow blobby man releasing a single. The single got to number one, but christmas was saved by a small collection of rodents, who managed to munch their way through every single copy of this musical travesty. Since then, Noel has been seeking out new ways to destroy Christmas for everyone. Indeed, his attempt at creating hysteria during the christmas of 1999 was particularly successful, when he managed to convince 3,500 people in Reading that the millenium bug was actually invented by a genetically mutated squirrel.

Johnny Mathis

Well, what can we say about this crooner! He shot to fame with his song "When a child is brown", which caused controversy all over white middle class America. After convincing most of his doubters that the child was in fact brown because it was given birth to out of it's mothers anal hole (after all, she was a virgin), Johnny mysteriously disappeared. Many people suspected that he had been taken by gangsters and used as a bargaining tool for many drugs raids. However, Johnny was found again three years ago, explaining that he "Got lost on the way to the chemist".

Noddy Holder

Famous for his catchphrase "IT'S CHRISTMAS TIME", Noddy has now decided to toddle off to pastures new. He got in to his red and yellow car and sped off for the bright lights of Las Vagas, where he now entertains tourists with his conjouring show "Noddy's Wonderful World of Illusion". During the show, he actually gets his head ripped off by a lion, and then stitched back on, by world famous surgeon, Dr Hillary Jones.

Cliff Richard

Once the 'Peter Pan of Pop', now the 'Albert Steptoe of shite'. Cliff has developed a debilitating illness known as Mangleface, which makes it impossible for him to record any more christmas singles. This has hit Sir Cliff hard, as his last two christmas singles "Stop, it's Jesus Time" and "Mary's Birthing Pool" have charted at number 67 and 59 respectively.

Wizzard

Once considered "The Ultimate Christmas Band^TM", Wizzard's fall from grace is a sad, sad tale. During the summer of 1995, a mad scientist, known only as "Goofy Edward McDougal" was experimenting with collective nouns. During one of his more bizarre experiments, he used the band, to try and figure out the ultimate collective noun for musicians. Halfway through the experiment, he tried the word "herd", but with horrific consequences. The band all became llamas, and have never looked back.

The Snowman

Raymond Briggs' famous creation was last seen "walking in the air" with Aled Jones (yes, I know it wasn't him that actually sang the recording used in the animation!). He was later arrested for dealing drugs to minors and was sent to prison for 6 years. Desperate not to lose the affection of the welsh singing sensation, he constructed an elaborate lie, which made the young Jones believe that his friend had melted overnight. After a prison break out 2 years in to his sentence, The snowman fled to Brazil, where he has lived in exile ever since. He now spends his Brazilian days eating walnuts.