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THE TOP TEN - ANDY REVIEWS THIS WEEKS TOP MUSIC SINGLES
 10 (NE)-"Gargle vomit in C minor" - Sheepshank
The brand new track from Sheepshank is a massive progression from their earlier offerings, both in terms of melody and "vocals". Now, right, instead of just screaming unintelligible bollocks and beating their instruments with all the precision of an epileptic monkey, they actually shout the words. If you're lucky you can even make a few of them out (something about a duck, I think). Anyway, this band already has a huge fanbase of 12 year old townies who think that hoodie tops don't look utterly stupid on them, so no doubt they'll continue to enjoy chart success until the pokemon single comes out next May.
 9 (Down 4)-"Depth of my heart" - Steven Bobbins
Ex-boyband member Steven Bobbins slips down the charts after his debut solo single appeared last week, mainly thanks to all his PR people buying 50 copies each. Steven proves that he was indeed the "talented" one from last years' smash band "Manchildren", as the other 3 members have already faded into drug-aided obscurity, while the revelation that he isn't gay brought him back into the publics' eye. Stevens' album is released next week on the "Elephantiasis" label, and his book, titled "What it feels like to have no body hair", hits the shops later this month. No doubt they'll all be cynical and mundane cash-ins, I mean well thought out and entertaining and certainly not written by someone who wasn't pretty enough to be in a band of his own.
 8 (Down 7)-"We are the Squeekers" - The Squeekers
Childrens' TV heroes the Squeekers plummet from chart success last week when even the sugar-addled pre-10 population realise that their single is a big pile of crap. Even the guest appearance of Jolly Ol' Dirty Bastard on the track and video can't save this from being another tired TV cash-in. [Sound of lawyers on the phone]. Actually, come to think of it, I love this track, it's got so many levels. It should be number 1 all the time, and surely beats anything by proper musicians who actually have to work for a living.
 7 (Up 1)-"Mullet love" - Michael Booltarn
The surprise return of perennial late 80s' favourite Michael Booltarn to the charts last week was greeted by many people with joy, some with sorrow, but most with a pair of scissors and a book of modern hairstyles. Of course, they probably aren't aware that he has actually had his hair cut, and still looks like something you'd happily clean the toilet with. Anyway, he has managed to actually gain a place this week, which must be due to his retro appeal, given that nobody actually climbs the charts these days.
 6 (NE)-"Sunny sky" - DJ Gaylord
Another Ibiza dancefloor hit enters the UK charts on the back of its' success among drugged up, loved up, fudged up 18-somethings on holiday and probably suffering from sunstroke. Not to be confused with Gaylords' first release, "Sun in the sky", or the re-release of his 1999 song which flopped at the time, "sky and sun". This song reflects a distinct change in style for the Sheffield-born DJ, focusing more on the little bleepy noises and less on the repetitive beat, and even adding a couple of lines of vocals (sampled from "bridge over troubled water" by Simon and Garfunkle). Gaylords' track doesn't have an album of its' own yet, but can be found on the compilations "Ibiza sun", "Ultimate Ibiza", "Agia Napia returns", "The blandest Ibiza album in the world - ever part VII", "Sounds of the sun" and "DIY lobotomy".
 5 (Down 3)-"Me da gangsta" - Pimp Daddy featuring Aztek, L Jay, FYI and Donny Osmond
Softcore rap merchant Pimp Daddy glides down the charts in a pretentious fur coat looking [very dapper indeed and certainly not even remotely like a complete twat]. Continuing his illustrious career, the latest from him features guest appearances from so many people that the Daddy himself only actually gets to say three words at the beginning of the song, two of which are "yo". He still fills the niche of genres between proper hip-hop and pop music, which begs the question of who actually buys it.
 4 (NE)-"Broken bottles" - Crèche
Late 90s' indie band Crèche return to form with their first single in 2 years, after having lost the drummer and gained a triangle player. Still hanging on to the notion that real music involves people actually, you know, playing proper instruments and stuff has ensured that they maintained a loyal fanbase. Of course, the loss of a drummer does mean that they've had to resort to using a drum machine, but it doesn't matter anyway because all of their new material is so far derived from the grungy indie they used to do. Instead, like their main rivals of old, "Smudge", they've resorted to "being experimental", which doesn't really work for them because they're not very good at it.
 3 (NE)-"The bus stop" - Monaurals
Welsh phenomenon the Monaurals follow the success of their last single with this, the second single from their amusingly acronymic yet meaninglessly titled album "Look around, now does reality openly verify everything really?". This ridiculously titled album has just left the number one position after spending three weeks there. In a recent interview with me, lead singer Maureen Johnson told me that he was always mocked at school for having a girls' name, big eyebrows and a grating voice, something which doesn't seem to bother him any more. This "tune" follows the standard Monaurals formula, by defying the traditional notion that a song should have a catchy beat, stirring riffs and heartfelt lyrics. Keep it up boyos!
 2 (NE)-"Cotton candy" - Chantelle Pointysticks
San Diego born 16 year old Chantelle Pointysticks continues to appeal to old men with a teenage girl obsession, with her third single released on DVD video and CD ROM. Following her breast enlargement last year, and her controversial video for her last single, in which she further fuelled male fantasy by performing in a nurses costume , it seemed like it was going to be difficult for her to provoke a greater reaction. However, in this video, directed by renowned Japanese film maker Hidiko Mishamayo, she provokes even more aged male attention by performing in a lap dancing club while dressed in black leather. Later she can be seen apparently having sex with a donkey outside the club, while various backing dancers rub themselves against random passers by. The song? Another sugar-coated pop tune that drivels pointlessly about some man that Chantelle likes the look of, or something equally banal. But who really cares about that eh?
1 (NE)-"Golden Touch" - Razorlight
What? Something decent at number 1? Now I know this is all made up...
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