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Inspired by painkillers - A Story by Phiblo Disclaimer: I wrote this story while on extremely powerful painkillers for a horrible hamstring injury. They kind of messed with my head a bit, which was quite scary! Anyway let me tell you a little story about a child named Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr was born of angry parents who couldn't hide their disgust that their child had been born half whelk. They treated Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr with the kind of distain usually reserved for former Fulham FC manager Chris Coleman and regularly insisted that Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr used a cheese grater to wash that dirty dirty smile off her face (that's right kids, Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr was a GIRRRL - so sue me!). When Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr was about Pi years old, she decided she'd had enough of her parents and the way they treated her, and decided to live with the Flannagans who lived next door. The Flannagans understood Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr's strange disfigurement, for they too had mollusk blood in them, being 1/4 limpet. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr lived for 10 years with the Flannagans, with nothing of note occuring during those years. However, that all changed when she reached piteen years old, and indeed it was on her piteenth birthday that the first asthma attack occured. She didn't know what was happening to her, but the shortness of breath she was experiencing was an un-nerving... umm...experience. To alleviate this pain she decided to do some reseach in to her Whelk based family tree. Using Wikipedia, she discovered that the knobbed whelk, Busycon carica, is the second-largest species, ranging up to 12 in. (40.6 cm). She discovered that they have tubercles (or spines) along the shoulder and that knobbed whelks eat clams. This did absolutely nothing to help her asthma attack and she was stupid to think it could. Her parents even came over from next door to tell her so. The sudden re-introduction of her evil mother and father was enough to drive Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr quite quite mad and she stole a nearby white van and proceeded to drive at 7.5 miles an hour over the speed limit and honk her horn too much. This brief episode in her life was cut short by the sudden appearance of Richard III in her passanger seat, who showed Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr the error of her ways, thus proving that he wasn't the evil tyrant that Shakespeare made him out to be. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr decided that Richard III was right and traded in the white van for a much more sensible Ford Mondeo, which she cherished, but which is to be mentioned no more in this story. Having seen the proverbial light, Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr decided that perhaps she needed to settle down and get herself a job. But because she was very young, and hadn't been to school, she found it very hard. Suddenly a flash of inspiration came to her, in the form of modern interpretive dance. She realised that instead of cursing her disfigurement, she should embrace it. So without any delay (not even a sensible trip to the toilet before her long journey), Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr set off for the seaside. About 45 minutes in to her journey, Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr stopped at the services to go to the toilet and then carried on. Once the seaside being reached was, Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr stripped herself naked and ran in to the sea in search of her whelk brothers and sisters. Unfortunately it took about 11 minutes for Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr to realise that she couldn't breathe underwater, making her disfigurement seem very silly indeed. It was too late for Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr and she drowned. I'd like to say there was a moral to this story, so I will. The moral of this story is that if you want to do something, you should grab the bull by the horns, and then you should let go of the bull (you freak) and go and do whatever it is you want embrace life with a warm friendly hug and lack of punctuation and grammar once more is be the one for us to do. |
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