|
 How to decorate a tree - by Chumwold Thriftshanker
Hello, and welcome to "How to decorate a tree", with me, Chumwold Thriftshanker (aren't I pretty?!). I'm going to guide you step by step, through making your wonderful christmas fir (or tacky plastic alternative) look less like a tree than it ever has before.
Firstly, the 5 must have decorations this year are:
 1) THE COW
No Christmas would be complete without this bovine treat. This year why not try cutting the cow's head off, and putting it on the top of the tree, while using the rest of the body, to make wonderful baubles. As another tip, try sprinkling glitter glue on the entrails to make beef flavoured tinsel.
2) HATS
Hats are the clothing item of kings, and why should you not make your tree look (and feel) like a king? Try to vary your hats, while sticking to a set colour scheme. For example, red bowler hats, and gold flatcaps go together perfectly.
3) SPAM
Instead of deleting all those junk e-mails, all the smart people are printing them out and sticking them to the tree using gaffa tape. You'll be the envy of all your neighbours.
4) CLING FILM
This is less of a fashion statement, and more of a practical hint. If you have a real christmas tree, instead of one of those crazy fake ones, then wrapping your tree in cling film prevents all the needles dropping on the floor and making a mess. Just think of all that vacuuming that you won't need to do.
5) ANOTHER TREE
Why just make do with one tree when you can pile several on top of each other, making a wonderful christmas tree forest in your own living room. For that added authentic touch, try to get so many trees that you need to cut through it with a machete just to reach your presents.
 So, having partaken in one or more of the above, your tree is now the envy of all of your neighbours, or at least, it would be if they could see it. Therein of course lies the problem. How can you advertise the fact that you are much more festive than everyone else, by just having a tree in your living room. Surely you have to tell the world that you understand he true meaning of christmas, by putting up HOUSE DECORATIONS.
Now, the first thing to remember, when considering house decorations, is whether they are going to blind people or not, because obviously the brighter and more garish your house, the more "Christmassy" you are. With this in mind, I advise you to not merely BUY house decorations, good lord, no! Instead, I recommend that you make your own neon flashing sign that quite literally says "I AM MORE FESTIVE THAN YOU!". Then of course you need the flashing reindeer, and the huge inflatable santa's backside stuck in the chimney.
But that's nowhere near festive enough for me. In one final act of joyous celebration, this year, I'm going to fill my house up with explosives, and lots of mutli-coloured tin foil, and create my own christmas firework. Just think, my house is going to be complete proof of how devoted I am to this wonderful celebration.
|
