NB: This is a banner advert for (a) something we've made or (b) something we find funny.
 

Crab...or lobster?
A story of dispute by Adny Warren

This particular tale can be taken to be more of a "mini-rant" than previous leviathan outings, mainly because it's only a short explanation and a tiny little rant. It once again involves events that happened while on my outing to the glorious city of Sydney, although this time it's all true and doesn't involve eels. Well, not directly anyway.

One day, I forget exactly when, I was sitting in the ten share room that was to be my home for almost four months, talking pretty much random bollocks to anyone who'd listen. Somehow the topic of conversation turned to Sebastian (the crab) from the little mermaid, although exactly how we moved from deep and informed philosophical debate to animated marine life is still a mystery. Anyway, move onto it we most certainly did, and a whole can of entirely non-animated worms was opened. I am still to this day unsure how it was mentioned, but in the course of speaking I probably said something like "Sebastian the crab was a twat", or something equally profound. I'm pretty certain that at this point Hayz (a lovely young lady from somewhere over to the right of the map I think, who was deeply skilled in undressing while showing nothing naughty to the casual observer (a trick that I tried to imitate, but failed when my desire to get my nob out got the better of me) and acted as the voice of reason...at least twice) replied with something along the lines of "Sebastian was a lobster".

In fact, now that I mention it, I think I know an amusing story about a real person going by that name, but because I'm a gentleman (and I don't want my head stoved in by an irate ex-roommate) I'm not going to tell it here. If you've read the old "Blowfish" story (and who hasn't (except everyone)) then think along the same lines, but much funnier and entirely true.

Anyway, where was I? Of course, well now I had to reply to this scandalous accusation in the most dignified and professional way that I could. I think my exact words were "No he fucking wasn’t!". Or something. Well, this started what can only be described as an obsessive argument between two factions of the room. The first who, like me, agreed that he was a crab. I think this party comprised myself and possibly Alec Spanks, which really isn't much of a team but there you go. On the lobster side was of course Hayz, her completely mad but eminently brilliant (and excellent masseuse) Dutch chum Irene, Canadian miracle worker (in that she worked a lot, which for us backpackers is a miracle) Erin and maybe the official Irishman Ross. Truth be told it's possible some of these fine people were actually on the third party, I forget exactly. These people either hadn't seen the little mermaid, so didn't know (like my travelling (non-gay) partner Tony), or simply didn't really care (like the impossibly cool "Dave", whose name is only in quotes because - goddamn it - it deserves to be).

For at least two hours we were throwing points and counter-points across the room, sometimes metaphorically and sometimes not - The Yellow Ball* often acted as either a point of counter depending on who couldn't think of anything better than throwing a ball. The stupid thing was that the larger team had the most ridiculous reasons for their accusation of lobsterhood.

"He had a tail"

He did? Funny, I must have missed that, and since I had a pencil topper thing of the crab in question that was mysteriously sans tail, I think they were imagining something there.

"He was red, lobsters are red"

So are Ferraris. Besides which, some crabs are also red, therefore colour does not define species.

"He didn't walk sideways like crabs do, he walked forwards like lobsters do"

He also talked to semi-naked fish girls and sung underwater. HE'S A FUCKING CARTOON CHARACTER! He is a character in an animated movie, not "walking with fucking fish". Whatever "fucking fish" are. I can only assume they're some kind of new species. Anyway, back to the point. So they're all like "he's a lobster", and I'm all like "you're all fucktards**", and eventually I said something along the lines of "I'll prove it". As you can imagine, the lobster people were perplexed. I often went to a lovely cyber-café for my daily internet fix, so I said that I'd simply look on the Disney website and see if I was right. No further points or counters were made, although The Yellow Ball was still thrown occasionally.

The following day, while in the cyber-café, Tony and I forgot to look on the Disney website. The day after that, I remembered, and so we checked. I thought it might be pretty difficult to actually find reference to Sebastian, but believe it or not, on the Disney FAQ page there is actually a specific question that asks "Is Sebastian a crab or a lobster". And the answer? Let's be honest, would I be writing this smug-ass rant if I'd been wrong? Or course not.

Annoyingly, when confronted with the news that their Disney preconceptions were false, the opposing side merely shrugged and admitted loss. However, a non-contended victory is still a victory nonetheless.

*The Yellow Ball became something of a mascot in our room. Well, perhaps "mascot" is too grand a term. Maybe "thing" is better. Yes, The Yellow Ball was a thing. It came from a big bowl of other yellow balls that my work agency had as promotional...things, but as soon as I'd liberated it and brought it back it became so much more. It could be hidden by anyone, provoking lengthy and amusing games of "find the ball", it could be thrown whenever witty retorts were unforthcoming, and sometimes I even put it down my pants to make my nob look bigger. Ah, the glory days...

**I mean this in the nicest way of course. I mean, apart from the whole lobster thing they really were an awfully well educated bunch of individuals.