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ANDY'S CHRISTMAS WISHLIST Oh how I pine for the days of yore, when proper toys were popular with the “kids”, and people only had 2 megapixel cameras to take photos of their arses with, and things like that. The days when people could write a list of things they wanted for Christmas, and it would include things like these: 1) Vegetable Garden Children – Obviously I never wanted these grotesque mannequins, I have after all been male all my life, but I used to know several girly types who were always banging on about them. “Oh look, they’re so cute!” They used to fawn, to which I would naturally reply “No, they’re quite simply the most fucking vile depictions of the human form that I have ever seen” which is no doubt why I used to be so popular with the ladies. Regardless, these would no doubt sell in massive numbers every year, ensuring that their hideous visages would remain etched into my subconscious mind for ever, to resurface every so often in my most horrendous nightmares. 2) Post-pubescent mutated samurai tortoises – Bollocks to girls toys, at the top of every self-respecting boys list could be found the epitome of early 90’s cool, the mutated tortoises. Invading every medium possible, the four nearly identical green samurai “dudes” held a monopoly on toys, cartoons, comics and films for a long time, despite the undeniable fact that none of their merchandise was particularly good. Poorly animated TV shows and abysmally acted live action films gave them a bad reputation among the savvy, and toys whose limbs fell off with very little persuasion gained them the nickname “The Green Lepers”. Regardless of this, every kid wanted at least one, and the more materialistic demanded all 4 of the highly similar “action” figures. 3) Vibro Lightspeed – In the mid 90’s a brand new type of animated film was unleashed on to an increasingly bored cinema audience, featuring animation created entirely using computers. Being the eye-candy hungry media whores that the general cinema-going populace are, they lapped up the attractive, if somewhat soulless package, and force-fed it to their already bloated spawn. And so, for no apparent reason, every spoilt little bastard across the country demanded a Vibro Lightspeed action figure at exactly the same time, purely because the animation in the movie made him appear as plastic and un-lifelike as he was in reality. Cut to scenes of panicking parents fighting over a toy shortage, ripping each other to shreds rather than risk telling little Tarquin that he has to have a different overpriced piece of plastic crap for being an underachieving little twat. 4) Fuzzby – As the 21st Century(tm) approached, toys with soul carved from wood by an actual human being were swiftly replaced with the latest hi-tech designs. Using technology from old military applications, the new Fuzzby was a cold, hard robotic shell covered in unappealing synthetic fur which was somehow supposed to make people like it by doing very little. Adults were perplexed as to why children would want a Ł50 toy that did little more than sit still and occasionally move it’s eyes, but want it they did, and as ever the mewling little cunts got their way. Fuzzby went on to sell over 10,000,000 units in Skegness and became the biggest selling semi-robotic statue in the history of English seaside towns. 5) Pikómen – For many years those of us in the know have known that Japanese animation is cool. Akira, Spirited Away, Urotsukidoji and the like were all great films from creative geniuses in the far East. However, at some undetermined point in the late 90’s most of the nation’s children found something new to satiate their unquenchable thirst for new disposable tat, in the form of Pikómen. Pikómen was almost completely undecipherable to most parents, and many couldn’t see the appeal of a card game that was, in essence, little more than Top Trumps with irritating anime cats and things. However, once again, it was left in the hands of the children to sway the toy sales, and although the cards were the main event in the Pikómen calendar, it also featured toys, cartoons and video games, none of which made a single ounce of sense. Then, like all before them, they disappeared forever. Actually now I think about it, I don’t pine for these times at all. They were fucking shit. |
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