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17 REALLY USEFUL THINGS 1) Toothbrushes - Not just useful for the obvious, that is to say, cleaning your teeth, but also really handy for cleaning really small things, or stuff that's hard to reach. However, DO NOT use them to clean around the toilet bowl until they have been discarded. 2) Sticks - Possibly the most useful thing ever, sticks can surely be used for almost any task imaginable. From poking people in an irritating fashion, to hitting people in an annoying manner, they really are suitable for any occasion. 3) Clocks - Need to tell the time? Then look at a clock. Fantastic if your latent ability to judge the time by the arrangement of the sun has somehow been suppressed. 4) Shoelaces - As well as doing a fantastic job of stopping your shoes from falling off, shoelaces also double as handy bits of string in an emergency. Not only that, but if you're careful you can floss with them too. 5) Blu-tac - Surely "the most amazing thing ever™". Blu-tac can be used to hold stuff up, to hold stuff down, to make little models that really annoy your boss, and to squeeze in times of stress. Blu-tac can also be rolled into small balls and thrown at people, as it becomes quite hard and can cause pain if thrown hard enough. 6) Springs - If you had two things, and you wanted to make them bounce apart in an amusing way, what else would you use but a spring? Also the slinky-type springs give hours of amusement to children with really big attention spans. 7) Fire - Without it mankind would still be living in caves, eating raw meat and wondering why all the woolly mammoths are so warm. Fire causes amusement, looks pretty, keeps you warm, cooks food, need I go on? 8) Little ball bearings - Because they're great, aren't they? 9) Condoms - Obviously they were designed for one reason only, to give immature people a fantastic water bomb that holds about twenty litres of water. Also useful as a waterproof hat (or similarly as a showercap), party balloons or an emergency rubber glove for people with only one finger. 10) Dogs - Walking blindly into the most ridiculous situations, mans' best friend is surely one of the most useful things ever. As well as leading the blind everywhere, they can also be used to do household chores, and if you rub a bit of polish on their tails and make them happy they'll shine your shoes for you. And of course, there's the amusement of "the finger trick". 11) Forks - Where would we be without the humble fork? Eating with bloody spoons that's where. I personally can't stand spoons, and I love forks, to the extent that I eat soup with a fork. Good for poking at food, scooping it up, cutting it (if they're sharp), frankly they're the only cutlery you'll ever need. 12) Pants - Although there was a doubt that these were highly useful, thanks to their tendency to ride between buttocks, they're positive traits surely outweigh this. Without pants we would have nothing between the inside of our trousers and our bits and bobs. They also double as trendy hats when the leg holes are sewn up, I have seen the envious looks that I get whenever I wear my "pants-hat" to a club. 13) Cheese - As well as being a tasty and not at all fat-infested snack food, cheese also has great comedy value when replaced with the word "dog". Not only that, but without cheese so many great foods would be bland, such as pizza, macaroni cheese, cheese on toast, and of course cheese straws. 14) Hydrogen - Possibly the most enigmatic of the elements, hydrogen is the dark horse that makes things blow up. As we've learnt from fire, things blowing up is good, unless we're in them. Therefore hydrogen is good. 15) People called "Bob" - Not so much useful, unless you desperately want to get into a Bob convention, but it's getting near the end and I'm running out of ideas. They are, however, great fun to refer to, and without them we would be sadly without one of the funniest and most often-repeated lines from Blackadder. 16) CDs - If, like me, you find that every so often you get some of those ISP trial CDs in the post, you may want to read on. I used to throw them away, then I realised that CDs have literally shedloads of uses. For a start you can use them as attractive coasters, or you can weight the edges and throw them at people with hilarious consequences. Or, find a suitable vertical surface and slide them down it in races with your friends, trust me it's great fun. 17) Cake - What can you do with cake? Eat it, throw it, draw on it, sell it to cake-obsessed pygmies, or even put icing on it, the choices are utterly mind-boggling. |
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